so tonight as i was doing some innocent facebook surfing, i came across a fan page for a kid that went to my high school. i remember seeing this kid around the hallways, a bit of an outcast–a pariah if you will–probably based on his general appearance… now, i’m not going to get specifics because i don’t really think it’s my place to do so, but regardless, this guy separated himself from the herd.

turns out this guy (who i’m assuming is gay because of some of the stuff he has written) does some independent music, very electronica-ish and has this very jeffree star-esque persona that he goes by; sexually suggestive lyrics, and a considerable usage of the “c-word” which i won’t write in here because i’m not prepared to wake up some morning with a flaming bag of dog crap sitting on my doorstep.

i looked at the comments that some people (local people, mind you) have posted on his page and on his videos and i think the best way to describe my reaction would be gut-churning disgust… i don’t know, there’s always been something about the word “faggot” that has just gotten to me to a certain degree (when used in a malicious way), the word has a sting to it, something that i can’t really put my finger on. then it hits me: the people making these comments are fifteen and sixteen year-olds! now i know people can be cruel, i say this as someone who grew up being the brunt of many jokes (let’s face it, i was a fat kid with blue hair, you can only imagine…), but i was floored by all of the outrageous comments that this kid was getting (albeit, mixed in with encouraging words from some).

this got me thinking about how accepting we really, truly are. watching a young-teenager put himself out there on a global stage such as the internet looking for acceptance, probably cautious about letting this persona come through at school because of the backlash that he would endure. someone trying to be himself at a point where that kind of stuff means a considerable amount, and he’s getting shot down by his peers who are dismissing him as a “faggot”… it’s kind of funny when  you think about it, though, he’s being called a “faggot” by people who can’t even spell the word. i continued to innocently look around, noticing him addressing these “haters” various times, meeting them with an “up yours, i don’t care” kind of attitude.

this led to more thinking: how much do we thrive off of negative attention these days? i mean, i understand that criticism makes us stronger to a degree, and being pushed around as a kid toughens you up to an extent in the future, but it almost seems some like people welcome negative attention with open arms. furthermore, you have to wonder to what degree does it really affect them. let’s be honest for a second, getting harassed stings, there’s no other way around it, but are some of us just absorbing this negative energy to get by? kind of brings to mind the old saying that was something like even if it’s bad press, it’s press at least (yeah… don’t quote me on that); i don’t know, i mean i feel bad for this guy because he’s been faced with a lot of negative energy coming his way, but at the same time it kind of looks like he’s looking for it.

maybe i shouldn’t comment on the situation any more, i mean, i don’t know the kid, and i don’t do that kind of stuff so i probably don’t understand his motives and reasoning; hope you caught me there like i did, by the way, because i’m kind of being hypocritical because i’m a straight guy who is getting offended by the word usage of the word “faggot”… i don’t know, it’s tough to think about because one part of me is going “man, this poor guy…” and the other part of me is going “well, he kind of has to expect that reaction. plus he seems to be into getting that kind of attention”, so i’m divided on the topic. while on one hand, i feel sympathy, on the other i’m getting the impression that this kid is basically beckoning “haters” by telling them that he doesn’t care, so i guess i’m divided on the topic… i’m rambling

another funny thing to think about: the straight, glow-in-the-dark white, average-sized guy is getting offended for other people. i guess that’s the best i can do considering a lot of slurs don’t apply to me

i think myself in circles sometimes… don’t mind me, i’m just mapping out my sympathy on this thing